Monday, August 27, 2012

Quiet Time

Wow, I can't say that June, July or August has been quiet, quite the contrary, I seem to be on emergency trauma overload!
My Mom is healing from the broken arm nicely, but then she had back surgery in July. This was to be an easier surgery for her, and it has been.  There has been so much stress at her home,my sister moved out of the home she was living in and we helped move her back to my Mom's, she was a great help, til sibling fighting took over and created havoc, after being called in numerous times things calmed down. So I thought.
My sister suffers with mental illness and was having a hard time adjusting, she was going into a deep depression, so off to the emergency room we went. About 5 hours later we took her home, with adjustments to her meds. Meantime Mom has stated that she wishes to sell her house and move back to Massachusetts. Okay, to packing and painting 27 cupboard doors, getting the house in order for realtor to go through and put up for sale.  Tired and doing too many things, my back is screaming "no more", gotta keep going.

July rolls in, and things aren't well at Mom's, referee to the rescue.  Get a call July 20th, my youngest son has been hit by a car, it's bad, more head injuries, ruptured spleen, broken ribs, road rash. I am distraught, as my son has more or less been homeless, another brain trauma is heart wrenching.  On the phone to family to get help, to bring Chris home, so that we can care for him.  This is not the first time he has been hit by a car, what further damage has been done to his poor body.  My sister decides to move back to Massachusetts, take her to airport and say tearful goodbyes, the fighting will at least stop.  Now comes the dozen or more calls a day to Florida, trying to get info on my son Chris.  So much difficulty communicating between states, about a dozen calls a day, not much cooperation, but family is with me and sending funds for airline tickets and whatever he may need.  He contracted MRSR in hospital, his wound is opened, at least the can't release him to the streets, he is sent to a nursing home. Mom is moving around better since back surgery, only running back and forth to her home a couple times a week and she is able to bathe and dress herself, my back rejoices, but still have about 12 cupboard doors left to paint.  I feel for Mikki F. and what she had to go through with moving she and her mother, it's never ending work, and more that my poor back can handle. I've had several days that I can't move,bend, and barely walk, I am injuring myself, but still have so much to get through.

Chris is here, thank you Lord, I asked family and friends for prayers, they work so well.  I watched miracles happening before my eyes. What a joy my son Chris is, he has such a tender spirit despite all the horrors he has experienced.  I am constantly wiping away tears, some for joy, some for sadness, some from shear frustration, but my faith is ever strong and is constantly being renewed, there is such strength in prayers and the good Lord has heard them and is here guiding us.

There is still so much to do, God has even moved the Social Security workers, they are working closely with us, for Christophers' well being, medical and financial needs as well.  I am so very grateful to my parents for there continued help,love, and prayers.  I went to the Dr.' today (3 month check up) I was anxious, but again God has been watching me, my cholesterol finally is down (lower than the Dr. required!), I lost 3 1/2 lbs., but my blood sugar went from 7.3 to 7.8, I was working it down to under 6, but with all that has gone on, I can't be hard on myself.  After quitting smoking for 3 1/2 years, I regrettably picked them up again when I got the telephone call that Chris was seriously injured from the car hitting him.  Discussed it with my Dr. and next month will go back on Chantix, I don't wish to smoke, but it has been a nerve racking, finger nail biting, anxious month, the cigarettes calmed me, but I'm coughing and don't feel well so I know I will put cigarettes away, with little regrets.  Gathering medical records, dropping them off at SS is about as much as I am doing today.  This old body is tired and not working to well at this time, but I have survived, and my youngest son is home and safe.  I am blessed.

Time to complete an order and make some new pieces.  How to put what has gone on into some sort of perspective and tackle what the future will bring.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Letter to My Children

So much has happened since I last posted the blog in which I spoke of having too many forks in the road. This blog addresses some of the mistakes I have made in my life, it is a record for the person or persons who question my abilities as a parent and as a human being. I don't know if this will reach that person or help that person to understand that there are mistakes I have made and things that I have done in the past that I am sorry for, but must understand that I have confessed to the Lord and asked for his help in healing myself, forgiveness for my errors, and the wisdom and strength to deal with the outcome of these errors.

I have, and continue to acknowledge, that I was not the best parent, I made mistakes, some have been most hurtful to my children, for this, again, I am sorry.  We are not given a handbook on how to be a good parent, and we can often fall short of the perceived view of what makes a good parent.  I went on what I had been taught and changed the things that I did not believe were right.

I raised my sons by myself, there father did not help with any financial support, I worked as many side jobs that I could to supplement the income from my full time job, all in the attempt to care for my sons. Things were very hard, I was going through the emotional turmoil of losing my best friend as well as my husband. They had each other, I had my two sons, 4 suitcases and $100, and the knowledge that once I left our home and Texas, I would be completely on my own. I was.

When I flew back to Massachusetts, to stay with my mother, I knew the road in front of me was going to be difficult and the hardest challenge I had yet to face.  I had to leave Texas, I could not stay and watch my best friend and her children move into our home with my husband, all my family were in Massachusetts, I needed my family.

I thought that enlisting my brothers help and guidance would help me while raising my sons, it did to some extent. One brother was a great influence on them and did not teach them anger and hatred.  The other brother who had the greater influence on my sons, taught them anger, hatred, and vile disrespect of women. I did not know it then but it has surfaced over the last decade. Now I am faced with accusations, told that I have lied about the past, and I am being questioned as to whether or not I am capable of caring for one of my sons who has been hit by a car last week.  This son has had a traumatic life and I have not always been there for him.  I won't make any accuses or give any explanations on why, only that the last 20 years of my life I have had one stumbling block after another. Now I am safe, secure,financially stable, and have someone who stands beside me and is there to help me.
To my oldest son who for so many years has looked out after his younger brother, it is time to let go and let us help, we are able to now. You have done such an admirable job looking out for your brother for so many years, I could not be prouder or love you more.  All while trying to keep your family together as well.  Now you and your children are struggling and living in dire poverty. We are not rich, we are of very modest income and live paycheck to paycheck, so sending money to help you has been something we have had to work hard at. I am sorry we could not send enough money to support your brother as well. I made a choice to help you and your 3 children, when and if I could I sent more for your brother. 

I think you have forgotten that I have offered to have your brother sent home, but you said that was not a good idea, on several occasions .  I know where your anger comes from, I have also finally figured out where your verbal abuse to your former mate comes from, I know where your misconception of the past comes from with regards to me.  I don't lie son, I have told my husband everything, even the things that I was ashamed of and so very hurt about.  It has taken me years to forgive myself and believe that God has forgiven me, now I start my journey with you.  The uncle who was who I had hoped would be a good and strong influence for you and your brother, was a horribly wrong choice.  I did not know how sick he was, we are finding out more and more about his anger,vicious hatred of all women, including his mother and sisters.  I made a mistake, I didn't know, I am sorry.  You have very violent anger issues, you are not aware of what you were taught by this uncle, I am not blaming him for everything, I am taking full responsibility for all that happened in the past. It has only been recently that I could hear my brother in you, the ugliness and hate, I hear it now in you, I am sorry. We can't begin to heal the past until you are ready to listen and talk without so much anger, I still hear the frightened little boy in you.  You have the right to be angry with me, but you must learn the truth and not what a sick uncle filled your heads with. Accusations such as "your mother just wants to @#$! around and party, and she doesn't want to take care of you or your brother anymore" are so very wrong and a lie.  I can't take back what was done in the past, I can only work on these issues today, I can't change what happened before, I can only work with you in finding answers and the truth about what is hurting you.

As to my abilities to take care of your brother, this is how my past 2 months have been:

Your cousin Joey went back to Massachusetts, I could not help him

Your Grandmother fell and broke her arm and badly bruised her upper lip, chin, arm and stomach. She was hospitalized and required care from your Aunt and myself.  I did what I was capable of trying not to injure myself in the process. All the time this was occurring your Uncle was having serious trouble with his diabetes, he blacked out several times and had to go to emergency room at VA, your Aunt took care of him as well as helped me with taking care of your Grandmother.

You needed me as your own life is in turmoil and you are hurt because your daughter choose material objects over the love of her father, you are hurt that she would choose her Mother and the promises she has made your daughter.  Then you are so very fearful that your ex may take your two sons with her when she leaves, without telling you.  Then there is your horrible home situation, 5 people in about a 10x10 trailer, with little to no money, and no transportation or job.

My husband is having a very difficult time with his back and the carpal tunnel he has and has been working very hard to get into a management position, (he can't continue the physical labor for too many more years), he is waiting for the position to open up and trying to find a replacement tech for himself. I worry as he comes home hurting and tired.  Yet he has said we have to do what ever we can for you and our grandchildren. Now that Christopher is so torn up and broken, we know we are the ones that are needed, we must step in and do what is best for Christopher.  We will make sure that all the things that you and others have tried to do for him in the past, will be done now. We will not stop till all your brothers' medical,psychological, and financial needs are taken care of.  We are going to get help for ourselves as well, as we are not sure what we will be facing, we will be gently trying to undo the years your brother has spent as a homeless person.  Does my heart ache, yes, does my soul cry, yes. Do I ask my Lord and Savior for His guidance,forgiveness, and help, yes.

I got the call this week from you that Chris had been hit by a car. This is the second call I have gotten about Chris being hit by a car.  The first was 20 years ago. This has been my greatest fear for your brother, from the time he was old enough to walk. You do not know the horror a parent feels when they here their child has been critically injured. Chris was never right after that first car accident, is he a miracle, yes, does God walk with him, yes, do angels guard and protect him, yes.  Then there is the phone call that Chris was in an accident and received yet another brain injury.  Again I ask the Lord to intervene and protect and save my son, again as a parent you always want to protect your children from harm, even when they are grown.

Grandma is going in for back surgery the end of July, I will be taking her in for that.

You have voiced your concerns about my being a responsible parent and told my husband I don't tell the truth. You berate me when I stopped you from speaking disrespectfully, when I questioned where your Fathers' help with Chris has been, I will not take all the blame for everything in your life, you have two parents.  I understand that you have fought most of your life for your fathers' approval, I understand that you now have it and will defend and protect that, but that doesn't change the facts, he has a lot to answer for as well.

All the this past week I have been challenged and pushed to my emotional limits, or what I thought was my limit, and then I got on my hands and knees and prayed, asking God to please help me and give me strength. The hurt from you and feeling your inner turmoil and hurt, Chris in the hospital, Grandma injured and in pain, with surgery coming up, as well as painting and helping Grandma get her house ready to sell, then if this were not enough, your Aunt, who is bipolar and on disability, was suicidal, and your Grandmother had to call me to bring her to the emergency room. I got down on my knees once again, and prayed.  I felt God's presence at that moment, a warmth and peace came over me, I knew I was walking with God and He was going to be there with me, step by step.  He helped get your Aunt to the hospital and get that situation under control. He is with me now and will remain with me for help with Chris.  Jeff came home Friday night not knowing what was going on with Mina and after trying to talk to you, and said that he also had said a prayer, and he realized that this is the time for us to do what we need to do for Chris. We are stable financially, I have learned what I can and cannot do with my disabilities and I am not afraid to ask for help or say when I can't do something, I have the time to do for Christopher what should have been done a long time ago.

So with regards to the many forks in the road, there are also many bumps and road blocks. I am always learning, I am human and I make mistakes. I have made errors in the past and sometimes make them now, but it is not intentional and I have paid for those errors dearly.  I have made attempts in my past to end my life as I did not think I could overcome all that stood before me, but I realize that this would have been giving in and letting evil rule my life.  I have found victory and strength through my Lord, who also comforts and guides me.  I only hope that through God's love I am able to reach my son who is so angry with me, that God reaches him and eases his pain. I know God is with Chris and always has been, but now Chris is to come home, it is time, it is what is right.  The rest of the anger, confusion, distorted and vile tales of the past, will be sorted out as God  works with us all.

My roads are busy and sometimes very twisted, but my faith is strong and I will do what I must. I wish my sons the warmth and love that God can provide and to remember that we are all only human.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Too Many Forks In The Road

A lot of things have been happening lately and I find myself faced with too many forks in the road!  As I stand at the crossroads I wonder which is the correct road to take at this time? Recently my Mother fell and broke her right humorous (upper arm), because she has a pinched nerve that takes out her left hip, it will cause her to fall if she doesn't have her walker. We were waiting to take her to the Spine Surgeon, to here the results of her MRI, that she had done recently. Well Mom is recovering slowly and bravely trying to deal with the limitations she is having to endure. When you are right handed and you break or injure your right arm or hand, a whole host of humorous scenarios can arrive at your doorstep, when trying to overcome your handicap. Simple things like completing your personal toiletries become challenging but do-able when peppered with a sense of humor. With assistance from my brother,sister,husband,nephew, and myself, life is somehow returning to a semi normal state!

While dealing with all the above, our nephew is here, for what we are calling "a do-over". A chance for him to study to get his GED and his permit and license.  We are also trying to encourage him to further his education. He is 24 and has had a difficult time, but he is bright, likeable, intelligent,polite, and can be obstinate about what he thinks should be done. So with patience and gentle persuasion we are slowly working with him to obtain some of his goals. It is very nice getting to know this young man and yet reminds me of my sons and the stubbornness I encountered with them. We have butted heads a few times, but have turned it around to a positive attitude with explanations as to why or what we might not approve of, and what would be a better way to approach the situation at hand. It is working, slowly, and I keep my fingers crossed, and pray we are reaching this remarkable young man.

Finally,finally finished a bead embroidered piece that has taken me about 3 1/2 months to complete! Now for most of you, you could have completed this project a lot quicker, but I was dealing with the above for about the last 2-3 weeks, as well as a pinched nerve in my back that started last November and didn't stop pinching the nerve till the middle of April! There were very few days that I could actually do bead work and I wanted to enter it in the Fire Mountain Gems Seed Bead Contest. I happy danced all over my house on May 6th, my husband took the pictures, I filled out the entry and supply list and off went the entry via email!  Now comes the long,long,long wait.  I am not sure how many more of their contests I'm going to enter, I enjoy the challenges and they seem to like my work, so this is one to play by ear!

For kicks and grins, I emailed Beadwork Magazine W.O.R.D. after seeing Jill Wiseman's post on facebook. They like one of the necklaces, I sent them the jewelry to be photographed and I have already received my jewelry back!  I do so enjoy quick and efficient work as they did.  My necklace will appear in the 2012 Oct/Nov issue of Beadwork Magazine.  I am pleased and accomplished something good for myself.

Now there are a couple more forks in my road I am facing, what are my plans for the future?  I have been winding down my beading a lot, do to health (back and wrist issues).  I don't know if I wish to take a temporary hiatus or move in another direction completely?  While I am pondering this, my creative muse, the one with the millions of designs still to create, has come up missing!  I think she took off down one of those forks in the road, that I haven't been down yet.  So for now, I am coping, health is doing okay, my muse is missing, my husband is a love, my Mom is well and healing, my humor is intact and working fine, my nephew is working hard to accomplish his goals, and things look like they are going to be okay!

To those of you who were able to enter The Battle of the Beads, go..go...go... I envy you all, just wasn't the right time for me, but I am so excited to see this contest, the artists are phenominal and the work superb, this will be quite interesting. Maybe next year I might actually be able to consider this if I am invited to enter. Who knows!!!  Good luck to all of you!


Friday, May 11, 2012

Moving into the lazy hazy days of summer

Well it's been a while since I have blogged. Updates, pinched nerve has faded away at last! Now I am trying to catch up and finish all my projects that were put on hold.  One piece will be done this week, entering it in the FMG seed bead contest, so I can't show a picture yet. This piece has taken me 3 months to complete, my first attempt at a collar, I think there is definitely room for improvement, but don't think I will tackle one again, not for a long time anyway, they are a lot of work and I've decided there are such great artists already out there!

So onward to new things. I have a tutorial almost completed (another project that was on hold) I am looking forward to completing it and then finishing a second tutorial on a pair of soutache earrings I had started!  As with most artists, I have at least three new projects lined up and waiting to be made. Just sent off a necklace to Beadwork magazine, it will appear in the Oct/Nov 2012 issue, if I am not mistaken, in W.O.R.D.

Things have slowed down greatly for me, having lots of problems with my right hand, so I wonder how much longer I will be beading. Being an artist allows me to switch gears, I'm gathering materials and supplies for silk painting, thought I'd create some designs on silk scarves with paint and bring in some beaded elements for extra pizzazz! This is a future project, so will keep you informed as to how it goes.  The China painting bug has also been reminding me that I have projects I could do as well. There are also at least a dozen oil paintings I'd like to do as well, so if beading is slowing down, all my other artistic abilities are motivated and ready to go!

My Mom just recently fell and injured herself quite badly, so I will be spending more time with her during her recovery, as well as I have a nephew who is coming from Massachusetts to Oregon to stay with my husband and I. He is getting a chance for a "do over" and we are hoping to help him get his GED as well as send him to some kind of technical school. So for now my plate is quite full, many changes and adjustments, but all is returning to some kind of normalcy!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Efforts in Confusion

Well, I am moving at a snails pace lately and leaving a trail of spilled beads! Trying to get back to beading while patiently waiting for a pinched nerve to go pinch someone else! Though the process has been slow I am anxious to get on with all my projects, though the older I get the longer they seem to take. I turned 56 this year and have had to do a lot of re-evaluating about my life, dealing with disabilities that don't get better but challenge me as to how I can still do the things I love to do.
I have had to give up gardening which I adore, but my loving husband is going to make some permanent beds (4'wx8'lx24"h) with cinder blocks, so that I can sit and not have to bend so much (spinal surgeries). We both miss the fresh and organic veggies I used to grow and find the grocery stores veggies pale in comparison to garden grown. I look forward to planting herbs in the open holes on the tops of the cinder blocks! Because I tend to go crazy with gardening, we will start with only two beds, so its been a challenge to decide on what to grow!
Beading right now is slow and I am awkwardly attempting to write up a tutorial. The illustrations are giving me the toughest time, so I am using a combination of pictures and hopefully illustrations. I can draw the illustrations on paper, but to do it on the computer and even my new drawing pad is causing me to get stress headaches. So I am now approaching it slowly, my husband is a great help, he's my camera man,computer man,critic, and in general a blessing.
So now it's time to say goodbye, have to get back to this tutorial and a bead embroidered collar that I have been working on for two months (and it will take about that long to finish!).  I hope all of you are looking forward to spring and wonderful weather, happy beading!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Moving ahead with Spring Cleaning!

Well the last time I posted I mentioned the new direction I am going to move in. Well guess what, I'm still working out the details! Have I actually written anything: NO! Other than posts that I am closing my website!  I also have a piece I am trying to finish, but the past 45 days I have had to deal with a pinched nerve in my neck. It affects my right arm and hand, so beading has been pretty much been gathering dust. Writing has been difficult and the hunt and peck system of typing wears me out! Great news though the pinching in my neck is finally receeding and I made it through my birthday weekend of sleep!  I got a new prescription for non narcotic medicine to help with the pain and to help me sleep. Well it knocked me out for the entire weekend, didn't get to do anything as I couldn't keep my eyes open. If that wasn't disappointing enough, I had an allergic reaction to the medication and couldn't stop itching!  I am allergic to all narcotic pain meds and now it seems even the non narcotic meds as well! Oh well, I got through it and I am happy to be on the mend! Now if I ever complete this collar I started! As my disabilities progress in the downward fashion, I become slower and slower, I have had to tell people that I can't tell them how long something takes me to make, some days are good, some not-so-good!
I have decided to close my website, it hasn't been successful for sales, and has more or less become a bulletin board for the events I've entered pieces in, I've decided this blog can handle that aspect of my website, and my etsy shop can cover the selling part.  Once I have completed this swap out and change over I will actually have time to write!
Speaking of writing, Bead Design Studio Magazine April 2012 issue comes out March 13th, I have an article in this.  I am very anxious to write up instructions for the bracelet that just won a Bronze medal in the 2011 Fire Mountain Gems Gemstone contest, this is such a versatile method and there are so many options for constructing this piece, I think it will be a great piece to start with, just thinking of making another version in different color, to show the options are only limited by individuals creativity!

Check out the 40% off sale at my website, http://www.deborahaweaver.  Hope to be announcing the completion of the "collar that has taken forever " and that I am at least starting some tutorials!

Keep creating!

Monday, February 6, 2012

New Year Challenges

Right now I have a pinched nerve that is taking out the use of my right hand. This is happening more frequently, bummer, it may mean I have another disk that needs repair,fusing, etc. I don't want any more surgeries, I still haven't adjusted to my limited capabilities yet, still fighting with myself about being disabled.  So I decided to think about what is important to me and what I would like to accomplish this year.

First I had to make a difficult choice with regards to my involvement with the Etsy Beadweavers Team, this made me sad, as given my current health situation I didn't feel I could actively participate and this is a great and very active team. Though their requirements are not as pressing as others I felt I needed to take time off. I will miss so many of the members on this team, but hope to continue to keep up with them through the use of their blogs and Facebook. 

Next difficult decision I have made, at some time in the near future I will close my Etsy shop, 1 sale in over a year does not justify the time and money put into this venue.  Not sure when I will do this, it tugs at my heart, but I can't keep hoping sales will pick up, not for finished jewelry anyway.  I am hoping I can master pattern/tutorial writing, this seems to be the successful avenue to take, people can afford a pattern and making it themselves brings a source of enjoyment and fulfillment.  So I am headed this way. I will still retain my website so I won't be completely out of the picture.

The third decision/challenge I have set for myself is to get back to painting, my paint brushes have been calling me and I don't want my oil paints to dry up!  I have gathered all kinds of inspiration from Pinterest and I am excited about painting again, I feel confident I will be able to, I haven't painted since my wrist surgery, nor my neck or back surgery so it will be a challenge!

The last challenge for the new year is to submit a few designs to beading publications, they take so long to get back to you that it gives you time to perfect things and I can always turn them into tutorials for sale, if they are rejected! This won't take precedence on my list, but I would like to keep it in my future. Of course there are the Fire Mountain Gems contests, they will be with me for a while longer as well.

So you will still here from me and I am comfortable with the challenges I have set for myself.  Keep beading, designing and doing what artistically makes you happy.