Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Letter to My Children

So much has happened since I last posted the blog in which I spoke of having too many forks in the road. This blog addresses some of the mistakes I have made in my life, it is a record for the person or persons who question my abilities as a parent and as a human being. I don't know if this will reach that person or help that person to understand that there are mistakes I have made and things that I have done in the past that I am sorry for, but must understand that I have confessed to the Lord and asked for his help in healing myself, forgiveness for my errors, and the wisdom and strength to deal with the outcome of these errors.

I have, and continue to acknowledge, that I was not the best parent, I made mistakes, some have been most hurtful to my children, for this, again, I am sorry.  We are not given a handbook on how to be a good parent, and we can often fall short of the perceived view of what makes a good parent.  I went on what I had been taught and changed the things that I did not believe were right.

I raised my sons by myself, there father did not help with any financial support, I worked as many side jobs that I could to supplement the income from my full time job, all in the attempt to care for my sons. Things were very hard, I was going through the emotional turmoil of losing my best friend as well as my husband. They had each other, I had my two sons, 4 suitcases and $100, and the knowledge that once I left our home and Texas, I would be completely on my own. I was.

When I flew back to Massachusetts, to stay with my mother, I knew the road in front of me was going to be difficult and the hardest challenge I had yet to face.  I had to leave Texas, I could not stay and watch my best friend and her children move into our home with my husband, all my family were in Massachusetts, I needed my family.

I thought that enlisting my brothers help and guidance would help me while raising my sons, it did to some extent. One brother was a great influence on them and did not teach them anger and hatred.  The other brother who had the greater influence on my sons, taught them anger, hatred, and vile disrespect of women. I did not know it then but it has surfaced over the last decade. Now I am faced with accusations, told that I have lied about the past, and I am being questioned as to whether or not I am capable of caring for one of my sons who has been hit by a car last week.  This son has had a traumatic life and I have not always been there for him.  I won't make any accuses or give any explanations on why, only that the last 20 years of my life I have had one stumbling block after another. Now I am safe, secure,financially stable, and have someone who stands beside me and is there to help me.
To my oldest son who for so many years has looked out after his younger brother, it is time to let go and let us help, we are able to now. You have done such an admirable job looking out for your brother for so many years, I could not be prouder or love you more.  All while trying to keep your family together as well.  Now you and your children are struggling and living in dire poverty. We are not rich, we are of very modest income and live paycheck to paycheck, so sending money to help you has been something we have had to work hard at. I am sorry we could not send enough money to support your brother as well. I made a choice to help you and your 3 children, when and if I could I sent more for your brother. 

I think you have forgotten that I have offered to have your brother sent home, but you said that was not a good idea, on several occasions .  I know where your anger comes from, I have also finally figured out where your verbal abuse to your former mate comes from, I know where your misconception of the past comes from with regards to me.  I don't lie son, I have told my husband everything, even the things that I was ashamed of and so very hurt about.  It has taken me years to forgive myself and believe that God has forgiven me, now I start my journey with you.  The uncle who was who I had hoped would be a good and strong influence for you and your brother, was a horribly wrong choice.  I did not know how sick he was, we are finding out more and more about his anger,vicious hatred of all women, including his mother and sisters.  I made a mistake, I didn't know, I am sorry.  You have very violent anger issues, you are not aware of what you were taught by this uncle, I am not blaming him for everything, I am taking full responsibility for all that happened in the past. It has only been recently that I could hear my brother in you, the ugliness and hate, I hear it now in you, I am sorry. We can't begin to heal the past until you are ready to listen and talk without so much anger, I still hear the frightened little boy in you.  You have the right to be angry with me, but you must learn the truth and not what a sick uncle filled your heads with. Accusations such as "your mother just wants to @#$! around and party, and she doesn't want to take care of you or your brother anymore" are so very wrong and a lie.  I can't take back what was done in the past, I can only work on these issues today, I can't change what happened before, I can only work with you in finding answers and the truth about what is hurting you.

As to my abilities to take care of your brother, this is how my past 2 months have been:

Your cousin Joey went back to Massachusetts, I could not help him

Your Grandmother fell and broke her arm and badly bruised her upper lip, chin, arm and stomach. She was hospitalized and required care from your Aunt and myself.  I did what I was capable of trying not to injure myself in the process. All the time this was occurring your Uncle was having serious trouble with his diabetes, he blacked out several times and had to go to emergency room at VA, your Aunt took care of him as well as helped me with taking care of your Grandmother.

You needed me as your own life is in turmoil and you are hurt because your daughter choose material objects over the love of her father, you are hurt that she would choose her Mother and the promises she has made your daughter.  Then you are so very fearful that your ex may take your two sons with her when she leaves, without telling you.  Then there is your horrible home situation, 5 people in about a 10x10 trailer, with little to no money, and no transportation or job.

My husband is having a very difficult time with his back and the carpal tunnel he has and has been working very hard to get into a management position, (he can't continue the physical labor for too many more years), he is waiting for the position to open up and trying to find a replacement tech for himself. I worry as he comes home hurting and tired.  Yet he has said we have to do what ever we can for you and our grandchildren. Now that Christopher is so torn up and broken, we know we are the ones that are needed, we must step in and do what is best for Christopher.  We will make sure that all the things that you and others have tried to do for him in the past, will be done now. We will not stop till all your brothers' medical,psychological, and financial needs are taken care of.  We are going to get help for ourselves as well, as we are not sure what we will be facing, we will be gently trying to undo the years your brother has spent as a homeless person.  Does my heart ache, yes, does my soul cry, yes. Do I ask my Lord and Savior for His guidance,forgiveness, and help, yes.

I got the call this week from you that Chris had been hit by a car. This is the second call I have gotten about Chris being hit by a car.  The first was 20 years ago. This has been my greatest fear for your brother, from the time he was old enough to walk. You do not know the horror a parent feels when they here their child has been critically injured. Chris was never right after that first car accident, is he a miracle, yes, does God walk with him, yes, do angels guard and protect him, yes.  Then there is the phone call that Chris was in an accident and received yet another brain injury.  Again I ask the Lord to intervene and protect and save my son, again as a parent you always want to protect your children from harm, even when they are grown.

Grandma is going in for back surgery the end of July, I will be taking her in for that.

You have voiced your concerns about my being a responsible parent and told my husband I don't tell the truth. You berate me when I stopped you from speaking disrespectfully, when I questioned where your Fathers' help with Chris has been, I will not take all the blame for everything in your life, you have two parents.  I understand that you have fought most of your life for your fathers' approval, I understand that you now have it and will defend and protect that, but that doesn't change the facts, he has a lot to answer for as well.

All the this past week I have been challenged and pushed to my emotional limits, or what I thought was my limit, and then I got on my hands and knees and prayed, asking God to please help me and give me strength. The hurt from you and feeling your inner turmoil and hurt, Chris in the hospital, Grandma injured and in pain, with surgery coming up, as well as painting and helping Grandma get her house ready to sell, then if this were not enough, your Aunt, who is bipolar and on disability, was suicidal, and your Grandmother had to call me to bring her to the emergency room. I got down on my knees once again, and prayed.  I felt God's presence at that moment, a warmth and peace came over me, I knew I was walking with God and He was going to be there with me, step by step.  He helped get your Aunt to the hospital and get that situation under control. He is with me now and will remain with me for help with Chris.  Jeff came home Friday night not knowing what was going on with Mina and after trying to talk to you, and said that he also had said a prayer, and he realized that this is the time for us to do what we need to do for Chris. We are stable financially, I have learned what I can and cannot do with my disabilities and I am not afraid to ask for help or say when I can't do something, I have the time to do for Christopher what should have been done a long time ago.

So with regards to the many forks in the road, there are also many bumps and road blocks. I am always learning, I am human and I make mistakes. I have made errors in the past and sometimes make them now, but it is not intentional and I have paid for those errors dearly.  I have made attempts in my past to end my life as I did not think I could overcome all that stood before me, but I realize that this would have been giving in and letting evil rule my life.  I have found victory and strength through my Lord, who also comforts and guides me.  I only hope that through God's love I am able to reach my son who is so angry with me, that God reaches him and eases his pain. I know God is with Chris and always has been, but now Chris is to come home, it is time, it is what is right.  The rest of the anger, confusion, distorted and vile tales of the past, will be sorted out as God  works with us all.

My roads are busy and sometimes very twisted, but my faith is strong and I will do what I must. I wish my sons the warmth and love that God can provide and to remember that we are all only human.